Thursday, May 31, 2012

The End of the World, I Don't Want To Call It a Prophesy But...


I would like to share with you how and why the world is going to end.  It is not really that big of a deal.  Just everything on earth will cease to be.  Well, mostly everything.  There will be a few survivors.  I doubt anyone that has ever seen this blog will make it out alive, but that is only because I appeal to a very small group of people, of which none have the means or ability to protect themselves from the impending doom.

Above: an inaccurate depiction of the end of the world

This actually came to me as a revelation, not so much a biblical like revelation but more like im-bored-eating-cereal-in-the-morning type of revelation. Why did it come to me? I don't know.  I do believe that it was not my idea, but rather I was merely a biological catalyst by which the concept could be vocalized and shared.  Why it chose me? I don't know. It could have manifest itself in some person who actually held some authority in their writings.  It could have manifest itself in someone who would have taken the idea a little more seriously, but it chose me and now it is my destiny to blog about it.

The astounding truth hit me out of nowhere back when I was 18, but up until now I had completely forgotten about it.  It wasn't until I was riding my bike to work when it came back.  I was noticing the intense heat from the summer's sun beating against my toned and bronzed skin, and that is when the flame of the revelation was sparked once again.

How It Happens.
The sun is the epicenter of our gravitational solar system.  All the planets revolve around this celestial body.  This is common knowledge, but it is imperative that we start here otherwise the end will not be understood in its entirety.  As the planets orbit the sun they slightly wobble up and down, like a buoy out on the ocean. This is called cyclic movement. Unlike buoy on the ocean, planets take thousands of years to move from top to bottom.
Notice the wavy lines.  That is the what im talkin bout. 

I suppose I should mention that many people have been plagued by the revelation of the earths end. There was Nostradamus who said the world would fall off its axis in 2012. We could take his word for it because he is a pretty authoritative source when it comes to prophecies.

Then there were prophesies of great calamity and natural disasters culminating in the destruction of the entire planet, and we know these are accurate because they came from a group of individuals who lived in huts and sacrificed babies for rain water. I am talking about the Mayans.  

There are others too.  The Incans, Egyptians, and some guy named Edgar Cayce.  Come to think of it, Edgar said the world would fall off its axis, not Nostradamus. Nostradamus just said everything will end. Both statements are nonetheless 100 percent accurate. 


You see when the earth hits that center galactic plain, like it is scheduled to do in 2012 on the 21st of December only 2 days before my 23 birthday on approximately my 8,400th day of existence --No joke, freaky how perfectly round that number is-- there will be what is known as a 'polar shift'.

Fun Facts With Numbers

  • 84 is equal to 7 x 12. 7 being the number of completeness and 12 being months in a year.
  • Jews were held captive in Babylon for 840 months
  • Jacobs days lasted 7 years or 84 months. Interesting to note he is the father of the 12 tribes of Israel.  
  • Egypt's 7 year famine.
  • Every tribulation period in the bible consists of a 7 year time period or 84 months.
  • Yeah and the due date for apocalypse is going to be my 84 hundredth day of existence on the dot.
Coincidence? I think not. Freaky? For me it is very freaky.  Back to the how it happens.

Earths magnetic field is dependent on the suns gravitational pull. When the planet hits that line the south pole is going to want to switch places with the north pole, meaning all heck is going to break loose. Polar shift may sound like some sort of Eskimo based race car game, but in the context of Armageddon those are two words you do not want to hear next to each other.  Basically the south pole is going to move to where the north pole is and the north pole is going to drop to the south pole.

This is a beautiful picture of planet earth maintaining a consistent magnetic field.  This holds all the earths tectonic plates in place, thus keeping calamity and disaster to a minimum. 

Here is a poor illustration of magnetism during a polar shift
During the reversal every land mass is going to be pulled in separate directions. Upsetting the earths equilibrium will presumably cause tsunamis, earthquakes, and the eruption of super volcano's like Yellowstone in Idaho. Basically the entire earth is going to be ravished by disasters of an abhorrent nature. . 

Reversal could take days or it could take years, nobody knows exactly how long the process will last.  

Why This is a Big Deal

Polar shift is a big deal, not because it will kill most people but because of what will happen to the earths magnetic shield.  I don't think everyone will die from natural disasters.  Many people will, but the bulk load of bodies are going to be burnt to a crisp.  

During this chaotic magnetic re-calibration the earth is going to be completely defenseless from the photon rays shot from the sun.  That means scorching rays of light are going to beam onto earth and burn everybody alive.  This intense light will contain more energy and will burn twelve times hotter than a  gyro rocket fuselage.  

The earth will be more or less uh... how do I say this without sounding crazy? It will be baptized in fire. This will cause one of two things to happen.  Possibility A, which is the much more plausible possibility, everyone burns up like ants under a mag glass. Possibility B, the increase photon exposure will heighten humans cognition thus exalting us to a higher degree of sentience. 

Lets hope that for some reason the extra blaring photon light enlightens and evolves us.  

  










Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Music Actually Changes Your Brain

Music is universally known for its ability to change hearts. There is something in the sweet cadence of a catchy tune that makes peoples' hearts just melt. 
"one foot then the other" it's so true.
Then it has also been demonstrated to change peoples minds.  Usually songs are used to brain wash little children into learning good grammar skills.

Neurologists are saying that music actually changes the brain.  Like the actual organ part, you know that tangible glob of fats and water that is supposedly in your head.  Yeah these freaking brain scientists are saying that basically every thought that goes through the head helps to shape the brain.  

There are many facets to the mind-music connection.  Lets look at some.
  • Music mood connection
  • Music memory connection
  • Music pleasure connection
  • Music and impulsive tapping connection
  • Music language connection

Now imagine the power this knowledge could give us.  We know that music can totally alter someones heart  and brain, but what do we do with this knowledge.  Some punks are going to listen to gangster music, and then some rattle headed teeny boppers are going to be brainwashed by dubstep.  

Here is the thing.  Music is feeding your brain with all sorts of information and it is literally becoming a part of your neural network.  The music you listen to makes up a large portion of who you are. 

So here is what you do.  Listen to the playlists I have created on Spotify. 
Also look at these blogs I did for work about belly fat and about running around topless.  



Tuesday, May 22, 2012

No More Showers, Gassiness, Stinky Feet, Dandruff or Bloody Noses

HOLY EPHING COW.  I  helped a friend get her esthetician license. By "helped" I mean was a guinea pig for two hours. Worst idea of my life.  She and her  instructor were tag teaming me, which at first I though was kinda cool. Not Cool. They treat you all nice and junk at first, to get you all comfortable and cozy. Essientially they are trying to get you to lower your guard, which I foolishly did. Then they ask you to strip. And again, I foolishly did. Then they smile at you and say something sweet like "relax and close your eyes". For some reason they have classical music playing off in the hallway and the whole place smells like essential oils. After they have you laying down, drugged by all the smells and music, in relaxed stupor, and mostly naked, they say something like "ok, now we are going to spread boiling hot wax onto your chest and tear out every hair that you ever held dear." I smiled and thought that was funny. With the whole situation and my surroundings I didn't think she was serious. Then they actually do it. After a couple pints of blood and two hours of torturous screaming, my chest looks like a tomato, I lost both my nipples, and there is a flat fold of skin where my belly button used to be. No joke, they freaking pulled my belly button clean off. On the plus side, I look like Justin Bieber now.

I guess the tabloid I got this from thinks that is a tattoo. 

So, out of spite I have decided to write a post about how showering is bad.  HA, how do you like that esthetician lady! Actually I guess it might be helpful for your career, or maybe you ethetician type already know all this. Oh well. I suppose this is for everyone else that doesn't know the proper way to clean their own freaking body. 

Your face moisturizes itself by way of water and oils from inside the skin.  Hot water loosens those oils and makes them slide off, making your face look like a cracked mess.  So when you take a shower use cold water and only use soap where it is absolutely necessary.  I am going to assume you already know where those places are.

After I got my body waxed, I got on this sort of tricks-to-cleanliness  kick.  I will probably be on this kick for another 22 minutes until I get off work. 

tooth paste on the face is good. right? 

Anyway here is a funny story.  My brotherbro, who will remain anonymous, was making out with some chick.  He does that cause he knows how to clean up good and stuff.  Anyway mid-make-out his nose starts gushing blood like a freaking fire hydrant run over by an ambulance caring an orphan child with liver disease to the ICU. You get the picture, blood all over this girls face. Yes, disgusting and disturbing and it totally happened, but I can't tell you any names. He and his embarrassed and soon to be ex-girlfriend decided never to talk about or mention the incident to anyone. So, of course, a day later he told me all about it.

At least he wasn't making out with a toilet.

Had he been eating spinach and kale, he would have never had to suffer through that agonizingly embarrassing nose bleed.  Heck, he might even be married to the chick now.  What does nose bleeding have to do with cleanliness you ask?  It is gross and dirty, that's what.  Spinach and kale would have prevented the gross, dirty, embarrassing, make-out mishap. Why do I know frivolous facts about spinach and kale, and about how the vitamin K in them strengthens the capillaries in the nose? I don't know how I know that.

This could possibly be the longest and most boring post I have ever put on here.  I didn't even act that angry with all you terrible readers.  When I say all you, I hope you know I am talking to the six individuals that somehow find their way onto this blog.  Do you come here by accident or is it on purpose?  Don't you have better things to do? Ha no, of course you don't.

Well, I am off.  Tootaloo.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Hack Your Brain Become More Creative


Hey Friends,

If you made it here from my Facebook post you’re probably expecting to hear some personal story about my life.  Like maybe you want me to say something about how my heart feels like woodland critters playing with a slinky on a mountain last night at two in the morning, but I am not going to tell you that.

If you made it to my blog by some other route then I honestly don’t know what you are doing here.  No, don’t go. Stay and enjoy the post, you creeper.

Osama used creativity when folding the airplane

The reason I made this post is cause I want you, my friends, to be more creative.  Well, In reality I guess it would be nice if you were more creative, but honestly it isn’t like a major concern of mine.  I am just trying to be real.  I really do appreciate all your creativity, but if it didn't exist its not like it would be the end of the world for me. yaknow?  

There is an easy way to become more creative, according to Art Markman (Ph.D) who writes for psychology today (as if you care about sources).   All you have to do is improve your working memory.  Now I am not sure what constitutes working memory, but I imagine it is everything that is not long term memory.  Think back, can you remember the third sentence in this post without looking? If you can that is rad, and that probably means creativity comes really easy for you.  If you can't, well, you know, whatever the opposite of rad is, that's what you are.

Art goes on to say that a good way to improve your working memory is by developing a larger vocabulary. My word of the day is omphalos (OM-ful-luhs). It means central point, navel, and it is also a specific spot in some Greek temple thought to be the center of the earth. Example "The omphalos of his blog was confusing and convoluted, and it seemed to be uncomfortably contrived". I actually don't know if it works in that sort of context.  Another way you can improve your working memory is by developing better reading comprehension.  Practice paying close attention to what you read.

Don't worry if you are not creative because it is easy to develop... maybe. On the other hand, plenty of really great things that I love have no creative faculty at all. Like rocks aren't creative but we all love a good rock.

Anyway, (check this out).  This is just the first to come of actually helpful ways to improve your brain.  This one is more geared toward problem solving, but you got be creative for that.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

INSANITY

This is what I did today. (posted a blog about INSANITY) Then rode my bike for approximately 3.3 miles, but it wasn't as sissy as it sounds because it was all uphill and I had my shirt off.  Then when I got home I did all the things I posted in the blog. Phewee. Turns out it works.  I got some incredible results and it only took twenty minutes, plus the 15 minute bike ride.
In other news 'start' is not recognized as a word by my autospeller app on my phone.  So who is ever in charge of making autospeller apps, you know, don't do that again.
Yup that is my life. I go to work and blog, then I come home and blog. Kind of boring.
Oh hold, on there is a knock on the door. brb...
It is men in suits and they are carrying brief cases. I peaked through the window so they wouldn't see me. Either they have documents in those cases or guns, and, honestly, I don't want to find out which it is.  I have to blog quietly cause I don't want them to know I am home. Crap. I have accidently repeated everything I have been typing out loud.  
(*quick note 'accidently' is not recognized as a word to my laptop spell checker. Am I wrong in thinking it is a word?)
"Look kid we know you're home. We saw you through the window. We can hear you talking to yourself, and yes accidentally is a word. Open the door we need you to sign some papers."
Crap, papers. Dang it. Wait, that is just what they want me to think.
"Look, we aren't trying to trick you, we know your in there.  We just need your signature addressing that you got our notice."
If I run out the back, jump on Mikes bike, and cut across the neighbors lawn I think I could lose them.
"Uhh... is it a bad time right now? Should we come back tomorrow?"
I never thought of that.  Damn it.  They know where I live.  They have probably been watching me for some time now.  I am either going to have to flee the state or take care of them.
"No, we got your address from Deseret First, your bank.  We're here representing Johnson and Addler, a debt collecting agency.  And, was that a threat we heard?"
...
It has been a few hours since they last knocked.  I have just been staring blankly at my blog post trying not to say anything.  I think they left.  I might have to set up some traps for when they return.  For they will return, they always return.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Cannibal Adderley


Jazz it does something to the head.  It makes me want to just talk without actually thinking about how the words interact with each other.  I want to concentrate on the sensation of the words rather than there meaning – don’t lose track I am still talking about Jazz music.  I want to focus on the word’s immediate meaning without regard to how it relates or correlates with each subsequent or previous word, truly appreciating the immediate sensation of now.  That is what jazz does to the head.
Does that mean it is an abomination to man?  Is it only good for promoting ignorance and temporal, carnal pleasure? Did black people playing jazz eventually lead to black people playing ‘rap music’?  The answer is Yes. 
So now I am just sitting in my venetian arm chair blowing bubbles out of my plastic cob pipe, lazily snapping my fingers to an eccentric beat. With each flick on the high-hat there is a slight flick at the wrist as if I am passing bread crumbs to pigeons out on time square, or maybe it is like passing small coins to bums on dank street corners.  Anyway, the pseudo-eccentric drummer bangs away, and all the while Cannonball Adderley eats everybody alive.  Still I just sit.
I guess Miles Davis didn’t like Cannonball. He used to call him cannibal Adderley, on account of the whole eat-people-alive thing.   Jazz pianists, drummers, saxists (maybe that’s not a word), bassists and whoever else had soul enough to play with good ol’ Cannibal Adderley would, well, you can guess what happened to them.  Basically, Adderley would take their limbs off their body, use their own instruments to crush their vital organs (heart, brain, kidneys, and intestines) and then eat them, figuratively of course. 
He was noted for “swallowing people with his solos”.  He said he couldn’t stop soloing because he didn’t know how.  To this Miles said “pull the damn horn out of your mouth, that’s how you stop”.  I think, kids, there is a good lesson in all this.  

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Crazy Freaking Things That Actually Exist (and That I Want For a Dinner Party)

So back when I was looking for information on how to discredit Star Wars' coolness I found some really neat things.  Actually these things are more than really neat, they are freaking crazy.  I had no idea that people made this junk. Now I don't know what I would do if I had these, but I really want them for a dinner party now.

Non-Newtonian Fluid
Skip to 1:40 to see the scientist swallowed alive

This stuff seems eerily biblical to me.  It is a liquid that turns solid with a significant amount of stress. The military says they want it for some sort of soggy Jell-O type armor. I would use it for a mote around my apartment complex.  No it wouldn't keep anyone out, but it would be super fun to run across every time I'm going somewhere. I know a mote doesn't really have anything to do with a dinner party, but I still want it for mine. 

Gallium
It looks like mercury but melts like M&Ms, and that is why I want it. Gallium melts at 86 degrees, I think. I have its information open in another tab, but I am too lazy to go reread it.  Anyways, in most climates it will not melt until you hold it.  I think that is neat because it is a metal. 

C'mon that is cool right?
I think it is used as a conductor of some kind.  I would probably like to mold it into silverware.  So that after my guest made it across my non-Newtonian mote (that is if they made it) they would seat themselves at the dining table expecting to eat only to find their utensils melt in their freaking hands.  Of course, I would be using plastic utensils for myself that way I can dispose of them and don't have too many dishes.


Miracle Berry
So there is this crazy freaking berry called the Miracle Berry.  The unique thing about this is that it has a chemical called miraculin. Not making this up, totally true. I think.  I haven't ever tried it, but after watching Youtube videos it appears to have a pretty profound effect on taste buds. 
Like psychedelics specifically for your tongue 
Supposedly after eating some of these Tabasco sauce taste like doughnut glaze.  So while my guest was flipping out about the utensils melting in their hand for no reason, I would be their just jugging straight Tabasco like everything is totally normal.

Ferrofluid


Then I would have this as the center piece on the table, but only if it came with the classical music. 

Aerogel
This stuff too.  I like it.
The table will be made out of this stuff.  

You probably think I got lazy at the end of this post.  Actually I am being distracted by a movie.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Talking to Yourself May Save Your Brain


Sorry about the alarming title to this blog.  I wasn’t trying to insinuate that your brain needs saving. However, if it does then this post could be very beneficial to you. 

Ignore this picture and keep reading.
 
Don’t ask me how I came across this information because I am about to tell you right now.  So every once in a while, while I’m at work swimming through the massive septic tank that is interweb, I find a small gem.  Like when someone accidently swallows a marble and then forgets about it. Well don’t worry I am down below wading in the fecal excrement of every internet user who ever existed just waiting for such gems to fall into my crudely fashioned net (I use stumbleupon and digg).  When they finally come, I sneak ten minutes away from work and type a quick little blog about it.   And today's little tid-bit of information is golden.  Like one of those eggs that the geese in Willy Wonka lay, right from their bakoocas.  

Sometimes I talk to myself because I think it is funny.  Turns out it is actually majorly beneficial for your brain.  So those narcissists who talk to themselves all the time, who think they are so smart, well they probably are.  According to Wric, talking to yourself improves memory. ABC said that it accelerates cognitive functioning. And research from some fancy Harvard study showed that talking to one’s self and about one’s self actually stimulates the ‘reward’ center of the brain, or as they say in their fancy Harvard talk it is "intrinsically rewarding". 

I think this talking has to be out loud. Blogging doesn’t count.  But I am sure there are plenty of mental benefits to blogging, just nobody cares to do a study on that because it doesn’t make any interesting titles. Plus the blogging industry is quite dilapidated already. We don't need any more competition.  Thinking about it, yeah, it kind of makes sense that talking to yourself would do all those things.

I mean I talk to myself all the time, and that is probably why I feel great all the time too. 
Like this one time I was at work I was talking to myself.  Then one of my coworkers is all like “what was that?”
Then I was all like “excuse me. Was I talking to you?” Then I walked away laughing and mumbling to myself  about how fun the other night was. Yup, you can bet I felt real good after that. And I did.   

PS. Quick little side note. That Harvard study showed that people were actually willing to forgo money to answer questions about themselves rather than about, you know, things that weren't themselves. So mull that over in your conceited, narcissistic, bigheaded head of yours.  

-Thom

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Traveling Pants

So I got these pants from some kind of charity. The bishop donated his son's clothes to that kid that was hanging around in my living room for a couple days.  Needless to say the clothes never made it to that guy. Ha. I took them.  Ehhehe. Don't judge me for taking clothes from a homeless person.  Actually, sure go ahead that is judge worthy. But, be sure to take into account that I wasn't ever openly offensive to the kid, at least not face to face.  But that is only because I didn't want to hurt his feelings...We are getting off topic.

Anyway these pants that I inherited a so cool.  But I think they have bad energy around them. Question:  is it totally weird to find a rusty old nail file in the pocket of inherited jeans. It was surprising to me because I had been wearing the pants for a whole hour, and I was actively using my pocket for phone storage purposes. You see on my bike ride to work I keep my phone in my pocket. clever huh?
Imagine this but rusty.
My first thought was, "holy cow, who ever owned these pants before me must have been in a gang".  Then I thought "No, don't be so hasty to judge.  He probably was just very particular about his nails".
Then I realized I was thinking this all out loud and an old lady jogger was talking back to me like we were having a conversation. So I looked at her, mounted my bike, and keeping eye contact the entire time slowly started riding away,

The chain on my bike comes of track a lot, but that isn't why I stopped a second time on my way to work.  I wanted to change the song I was listening to, which I did.  But something happened, for some reason I felt like I should explore my other pockets.  My back pockets were empty, except for my T-shirt tucked in the back left pocket and my wallet in the back right.  I meant they were empty of things I hadn't placed in them myself.  And yes, I ride to work without my shirt on.

My front right pocket was empty too, except for the money I put in there. Also there was another freaking poky-staby thing.  It was a T marker for a golf ball.

So either this kid is a prudent little golfer boy who is so concerned about his nails that he carries around rusty files with pointy tips, or he is gangster.   I want to meet the kid that owned these pants before me.  I want to know his story.  What made him the way he is? Why does he need these?  Is he scared of a gang related attack or does he only play golf? 

-Thom

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Attachment

It started out pretty rough.  I mean I was the new roommate but the stray was getting all the attention.  Then there was the incident with the computer, and he would say "I could fix it if only I had a working computer". I didn't believe him because he is the kind of person that puts hand soap in the dishwasher.  So I had to find nice ways to equivocate his pleas to use my computer. I said things like "No you can't touch my stuff cause you will break it."  Then there was the whole entire smelly rotten milk incident.  Yeah it was horrible, so gross.  Even though he didn't have anything to do with it I still associate it with him in my mind.

Now that he has gone though, I miss him. When I get home today I won't see anyone sitting on a mattress in the middle of the living room "working" on Eric's computer, seemingly eradicating invisible trojans. In reality he is just fiddling around on shareware websites and listening to dubstep  .  And you know what, I like dubstep.

All in all I am really going to miss the guy.  We had are ups and downs, but we managed to put ourselves aside and work together.  When I say work together, I mean we had a conversation about Flux Pavilion once. 

-Thom 

Adaptation For The Poker


At first it was exciting. I would wait and watch and I would feel my temperature rise and my heart beat faster. Just a simple poke, pushing the right buttons, it was the perfect way to spend time at work.
However, things have changed. I am not the same person I was last week-or-so ago.  Now when I see that I have a notification I know it is just a meaningless poke.  Not even a comment or anything.  The worst part is it doesn’t even mean anything. It isn’t like we poke each other to say hey lets IM or text me or check out the latest status update—which I think was the true intention of the poke to begin with—now all we do is randomly poke each other. 
I am sorry it had to come to this.  I want out.  I don’t want to poke any more, ever again, forever, as long as I live.  Unless we can get some order to the routine we have. This blog is not meant to offend anyone.  All right? I am not out to hurt your feelings. I am just trying to keep it real.  I am not going to sit back and pretend to be someone I’m not.  I simply can’t do it.  So the poking, it ends now.  It was fun while it lasted, but I think it is time for us to both move on and grow up.  

Friday, May 4, 2012

Is Real Life Better Than Star Wars Day (part one)


Stars and Wars Day, the most ominous and destructive sounding international holiday of all. I thought it was something totally different, and then I remembered that there was that movie with that kid. Blond hair, got a goober looking grin on his smug face all the time, he wields a lightsaber, uses magic, you know, the real recognizable type.   Yeah, well I really like that story and junk. It has great themes, the dark-side and the light-side.  Sure I go for that type of thing.  I am all for a day of star wars. 

But rather than talking about the story, or the great characters, or the genuinely inspiring creativity that it took to conceive of such a tale, I would rather talk about the technologies that really aren’t as impressive as they used to be.  You know, kind of bash on George Lucas for having such a near sighted imagination.  I mean seriously, he came up with these movies when I was like, I don’t know, younger. And we already have a lot of the bacookas that Georgio schemed up. 


For example we have holograms now.

 

And you know what, it is boring. Just kidding it's not.  But I think this video is fake. However, if it is not that would be awesome.  But if it is, then the multi-million dollar news stations that are supposed to be telling us what's happening in the world are clearly lying. oops I think I accidentally switched from hypothetical tense to straight-up-reality tense in that last sentence.



Then there is this Tupac thing that is said to be a hologram.  But then again, no one can decide on whether he is alive or dead.  So we have to just wonder: Is George Lucas and Jessica Yellin in cahoots with Tupac. Sounds like a bad crew to me.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

3 Surprising Ways a Car Accident Will Actually Improve Your Life


For all those who don’t know, I have recently been in a car accident.  This was a bummer. Believe me, it was like total crap.  At least that is how I felt at first, but now, just one month later, I have started to see how crashing my car into a wall has actually benefited me. 

Now if you want to experience the same benefits for yourself you have to be in your own car accident.  You don’t necessarily have to be driving, but it helps if you are,  and most importantly you have to make sure that it is your car that is being wrecked.

1. Car Wrecks are Great for One’s Physique
My car was flipped upside down and hit by a semi-truck and I came crawling out of the burning rubble with a concussion and contusions across the left side of my face, now walking and riding my bike have become much larger parts of my life.  This has done wonders for my body.  I would upload pictures but… actually I wouldn’t.  Anyways…
Compliments of mercedrides.com.

Imagine instead of driving a few miles to work in your car, you ride your freaking bike to work.  Or maybe you jog because the accident was still sort of recent and you don’t have a bike just two weeks ago. 



2.Crashing Your Car is Great for Making Friends


Here is why.  You see, even though biking and walking everywhere is really a fun way to spend every stinking spare moment of your day, sometimes you still want to be in a nice air conditioned car. This results in hitchhiking, which inevitably leads to making new friends.   For example, I met this dude from Massachusetts-- Well, actually that’s a bad example because he actually biked here.  Yeah, from freaking all the way from Massachusetts on his bike.

But seriously, all my friends -- well, I think their my friends-- have taken to giving my lame anus a ride.  During this ride time we converse, and listen to music, and socialize, just like real friends do. 

It is particularly important to crash your own car if you want to experience the friendship yielding power of immobility.

3.A Life Threatening Accident, Turns Out, is Good for Peace of Mind 

Most the time after the accident you will be walking to work, school, or aimlessly.  During this meandering you have a lot of time to think of things like life, death, what is important, why you are here, how you survived, the anthropic principle, why no one else did, how to illustrate nucleosynthesis through exponential notation and how come you can’t really remember any part of the accident… oh yeah, the concussion.  You know, you just end up thinking about that junk that generally you don’t think about while listening to music in your car. 
Accidents work sort of like meditation. Except without the beach and the babe and the funny pose.  Actually it is called post-traumatic growth. It is sort of like post-traumatic stress disorder, but completely opposite. Basically, it stems from the philosophy that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Roommate Brought Home a Stray

I have only been living in my new place for a while, and to be perfectly honest I am not quite sure of all the rules.  However, I am pretty sure that bringing a stray home and letting it live in the living room is against the rules, which is exactly what Eric did.
Ohh, look how cute and pathetic it is
 I am not complaining.  I don't mind that there is a cozy little bed for the guy in the middle of the living room, and I don't really mind that he has bed bugs. Honestly I kind of like his company when I get home at work and I see him waiting there with those big'ol brown eyes.  Well, maybe they are not brown I don't really know what color they are, but you know what I mean.

Like most strays he is good at making a little bit of noise here and there when you don't really expect it. Then he also helps to pick up scraps and crumbs that fall on the floor. Actually, it is quite impressive, he is really good at cleaning, for being a random vagrant.

I think his name is Josh.  He is a human stray, and this is what threw me off.  I mean, if I brought a stray dog or cat home, like i have been tempted to do on several occasions, I am pretty sure my roommates would say it has to go. But Eric can go out at get a stray kid and bring him home all willy-nilly like nothing.  I don't know. It is just whatever I guess.

PS. In case you read this Josh, I would trade a cat for you any day.  I mean don't get offended.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Secrets to Great Blogging

Yup, I know it isn't anything much, but I have figured out the secrets to being a great blogger.  And the best part is that I am going to share it with you because we are friends, and some day I will expect you to share something with me in return. Got it?
Honey, it's not a secret if you post it openly on the internet.

Secret 1. The trick to becoming a great blogger is being impressive.  That is all you have to do.  Now there are two ways to go about doing this: the hard way and my way.  The hard way is not for most people  To impress people the hard way you need to have genuinely creative input and interesting topic matter along with a well developed style of writing. Let's face it, I mean let's be serious, who wants to put in all the work necessary into creating original, creative, and interesting content? Not you, and certainly not me. 
That is why I developed a much more realistic way to keep readers impressed.  The best way to get someone to be impressed is by exceeding their expectations. That's all there is too it. Brilliant right? And the best way to exceed expectations is by keeping their expectations as low as possible all the time.
So aim to right mildly entertaining posts of a semi or pseudo-informative manner.  This will get your readers to think nearly nothing of you, and then you will have them exactly where you want them.  

Secret 2. Pretend to have an extensive knowledge about whatever the heck you want to act smart about. Most the time someone comes across a blog or webpage it is because they are looking to find information.  The kind of information that they don't have any working knowledge of.  This means you can say whatever you want, and they will eat it up because they aren't very smart, and don't really know what they are looking for.
Now even if you do have an extensive knowledge of all the things you write about. You should still stretch the truth anyway, you know, just for fun.

Secret 3. Use big words.  Readers love to feel like they are smart. To make your audience feel special use words they can't understand.