No More Showers, Gassiness, Stinky Feet, Dandruff or Bloody Noses

HOLY EPHING COW.  I  helped a friend get her esthetician license. By "helped" I mean was a guinea pig for two hours. Worst idea of my life.  She and her  instructor were tag teaming me, which at first I though was kinda cool. Not Cool. They treat you all nice and junk at first, to get you all comfortable and cozy. Essientially they are trying to get you to lower your guard, which I foolishly did. Then they ask you to strip. And again, I foolishly did. Then they smile at you and say something sweet like "relax and close your eyes". For some reason they have classical music playing off in the hallway and the whole place smells like essential oils. After they have you laying down, drugged by all the smells and music, in relaxed stupor, and mostly naked, they say something like "ok, now we are going to spread boiling hot wax onto your chest and tear out every hair that you ever held dear." I smiled and thought that was funny. With the whole situation and my surroundings I didn't think she was serious. Then they actually do it. After a couple pints of blood and two hours of torturous screaming, my chest looks like a tomato, I lost both my nipples, and there is a flat fold of skin where my belly button used to be. No joke, they freaking pulled my belly button clean off. On the plus side, I look like Justin Bieber now.

I guess the tabloid I got this from thinks that is a tattoo. 

So, out of spite I have decided to write a post about how showering is bad.  HA, how do you like that esthetician lady! Actually I guess it might be helpful for your career, or maybe you ethetician type already know all this. Oh well. I suppose this is for everyone else that doesn't know the proper way to clean their own freaking body. 

Your face moisturizes itself by way of water and oils from inside the skin.  Hot water loosens those oils and makes them slide off, making your face look like a cracked mess.  So when you take a shower use cold water and only use soap where it is absolutely necessary.  I am going to assume you already know where those places are.

After I got my body waxed, I got on this sort of tricks-to-cleanliness  kick.  I will probably be on this kick for another 22 minutes until I get off work. 

tooth paste on the face is good. right? 

Anyway here is a funny story.  My brotherbro, who will remain anonymous, was making out with some chick.  He does that cause he knows how to clean up good and stuff.  Anyway mid-make-out his nose starts gushing blood like a freaking fire hydrant run over by an ambulance caring an orphan child with liver disease to the ICU. You get the picture, blood all over this girls face. Yes, disgusting and disturbing and it totally happened, but I can't tell you any names. He and his embarrassed and soon to be ex-girlfriend decided never to talk about or mention the incident to anyone. So, of course, a day later he told me all about it.

At least he wasn't making out with a toilet.

Had he been eating spinach and kale, he would have never had to suffer through that agonizingly embarrassing nose bleed.  Heck, he might even be married to the chick now.  What does nose bleeding have to do with cleanliness you ask?  It is gross and dirty, that's what.  Spinach and kale would have prevented the gross, dirty, embarrassing, make-out mishap. Why do I know frivolous facts about spinach and kale, and about how the vitamin K in them strengthens the capillaries in the nose? I don't know how I know that.

This could possibly be the longest and most boring post I have ever put on here.  I didn't even act that angry with all you terrible readers.  When I say all you, I hope you know I am talking to the six individuals that somehow find their way onto this blog.  Do you come here by accident or is it on purpose?  Don't you have better things to do? Ha no, of course you don't.

Well, I am off.  Tootaloo.